Settling in an attached one year old...

[oxfordshirecm]

Hi, I am due to have a one year old starting with me in october for 2 days a week, and had my first settling in session today. Thing is she is VERY attached to her mum and cries when her mum leaves even o go to the toilet. When I say cry- she screams and nothing will settle her. So I am looking for some advic please as the mum is very very anxious about it. I have tried distracting the child, cuddling, offering water and snack etc but nothing even stopped her for a second.

Please please help...

[Angela234]

I have a 12 month old like that has had 5 settling in sessions mum left on second one he just cried until he fell to sleep now mum has gone back to work but nan has come to stay for 3 weeks to help with settling in she has been 3 times with him and stayed, he will now wonder off to play but will cry if she leaves the room doesn't like me picking him up but will play along side me.
Nan went into kitchen a couple of times this am he soon noticed and went after her and got clingy again. Shes only here for 3 more sessions so shes going to have to leave him so i don't know weather mum staying helps or hinders settling in, my lo is more at ease playing but nan has to be in the room
I will also be interested in what others have to say
Had a 9 month start last week no problems at all.

[gegele]

mum is making things worse if she shows her anxiety.

when mum is in your house nothing will work!

it'll be hard work at first but the child will eventually understand that his mum is coming back.
good luck

mum could try to leave her with you once a few time a week may it be for 30min first, then 1h, then 2 and half a day and then full day.

but if mum never leaves it's going to be hard regardless good luck

[oxfordshirecm]

They were here for 3 hours today- the first hour mum was in te room sat on couch whilst I played on the look with mindee... No probs
Then mum moved into kitchen for cup of coffee no problem.
Then he escaped out the door... But within two minutes of her leaving she screamed. Mum was gone for 30 minutes but mindee showed no sign of calmin down so I ad to call her to come ack as she was starting to upset my one year old too.

Do you think she just needs to get to know m better?

[loocyloo]

i would suggest very short settling sessions to start with!

mum NEEDS to be positive and up beat.

they need to arrive at your house, mum can come in for a few mins, then say, 'i'm just going to post a letter, i'll be back soon'. give child QUICK kiss and GOES! ( i usually leave mum to see themselves out and stay in playroom with child/somewhere child can't see mum leave the house/see mum out of the window! ) then 5 mins later, mum knocks on the door and says 'hello, here i am. i said i would be back soon'

( i find having and always using the same phrase can help, as child associates them with mummy coming back, even if child isn't speaking yet. ( in a way, a bit like a dog understands the word walk! )

this may take a while, and child may not settle, but the key is the child learning that mum DOES come back. mum could ask child to look after mums book or something so child has something tangible of mums with her.

mum can then extend the time she is away, although for very little ones, 5 mins or 5 hours are the same thing, its just how long you can take the upset.

i would try not to get LO used to having mum in the house, as then they start to expect it, and it becomes the norm. whereas, if mum always comes in and sits down, then it will be incredibly difficult for child and mum, for mum to leave.

good luck xxx

sorry your LO got upset this morning, but on the positive, was happy with you for a long time before mum left! its difficult. i wonder if LO screams to get her own way at home? i think doing shorter visits without mum might work. xxx

[oxfordshirecm]

Thank you... Some brill advice.. They are coming back tomorrow so I will try it out... Wish me luck :s

I just hope she does settle as itS horrible for everyone and my little girl got so upset.. She kept stroking mindees hair and saying shhh shy to her

[loocyloo]

Thank you... Some brill advice.. They are coming back tomorrow so I will try it out... Wish me luck :s

I just hope she does settle as itS horrible for everyone and my little girl got so upset.. She kept stroking mindees hair and saying shhh shy to her

awww, thats sweet.

big hug, you will get there. x

[oxfordshirecm]

awww, thats sweet.

big hug, you will get there. x

Thank you :)

[JCrakers]

You will get there but it is hard work. It can go both ways - child will settle after a few days/weeks or child will take longer and you will be considering how much longer you can cope. I know its early days but I know how wearing it can become over time.

I had a screamer for 8 weeks 4 full days a week and at the end I couldn't do it anymore. My advice would be 'know your limit'. Once its starting to impact on you, your own family and the other mindees don't feel bad to say its not working.

I had to give notice on one mindee ( the 1st ever child I could not settle after working with children for 16yrs) She was a sibling of a full time mindee who was an angel. Sibling couldnt be so different :laughing:

She went to a nursery for a year and then returned to me a different child. She now comes 2 days a week.

Hope it works out for you and some good advice about settling from the others :D

[oxfordshirecm]

You will get there but it is hard work. It can go both ways - child will settle after a few days/weeks or child will take longer and you will be considering how much longer you can cope. I know its early days but I know how wearing it can become over time.

I had a screamer for 8 weeks 4 full days a week and at the end I couldn't do it anymore. My advice would be 'know your limit'. Once its starting to impact on you, your own family and the other mindees don't feel bad to say its not working.

I had to give notice on one mindee ( the 1st ever child I could not settle after working with children for 16yrs) She was a sibling of a full time mindee who was an angel. Sibling couldnt be so different :laughing:

She went to a nursery for a year and then returned to me a different child. She now comes 2 days a week.

Hope it works out for you and some good advice about settling from the others :D

You right about knowing my limits. I think I can cope with it myself but it's my daughter who I'm worried about. It is early days so we keep preserving with the advice above but if she doesn't settle within a month ( or at least have a break between her tantrums) then I will have to give notice. It's nice to hear of someone whoses mor experienced then me struggle to as at least I know it's not just me :laughing:

[miffy]

I would keep the settling in visits short until lo grasps the idea that mum is coming back. Lo is probably picking up on mums anxiety too which won't help.

Good luck

Miffy xx

[LittleLadybirds]

Perhaps there is a teddy or something that mum could sleep with/cuddle/spray familiar perfume on, and then leave with the child at your house? This can be quite comforting, and gives the child the opportunity to not always need you to give cuddles, which they may find invasive at first.

I agree about mum just needing to leave; this can make a big difference with children of all ages, not just a 1 year old. I've just got a 4 year old starting, and for his 2 visits with mum, he wouldn't speak to me at all, so she was a bit worried. But when I went to pick him up from school so he could get used to the idea, he bounced out of school and chatted away, but as soon as mum arrived he went a whole lot quieter and back into his shell, but reassured mum that he will be fine :)

Hopefully my new 1 year old will also be fine when he starts doing visits next week! I tend to do a visit with parents, then a 1/2 hour visit by themself, then depending on how they are either another short visit, or one that covers lunchtime and a sleep if possible. Just depends on the child and how many days they are going to be with me. Good luck!