Difficult decision?

[nokidshere]

Hello

I have been asked to mind 2 girls ages 10 and 8 for 3 hours after school daily and for 3 whole days a week in the holidays. Initially, after hearing that I am losing 2 children in July, I said yes (subject to visits ect) but am now having doubts.

The mother told me yesterday that both girls have been sexually abused by a male carer at a previous childcare location. This man was not only part of the childcare but was also a family friend. The abuse went on (with her children, longer with others :angry: )for 4 years before he was caught. The family, understandably, are very wary of childcare and want to carry out extensive checks of a further arrangement.

As an experienced childcare provider I do not have issues around caring for the girls, however, I do have issues concerning my family - most specifically my husband.

Whilst he is not always around when I am working, he is sometimes as he works flexitime. He is a very hands on parent (and by that I mean he plays with and chats to all the children - he doesn't physically care for them but would naturally help if they were upset or hurt) and all the children I mind adore him. He often plays with them and, on occasions, I have used him for my emergency cover. All my mindees are long term ( the longest has been with us since he was 4 and he is now 13) and neither they, or their parents, have any issues with my husband being around.

What I am aware of, and don't want to happen, is for him to feel uncomfortable around the children or feel that he can't be in his own home for fear of upsetting the girls. He has said that he is happy to meet the girls and their parents and that he is willing to talk through with them any potential problems.

Other childminding settings have turned this family down because of the history which is a shame but understandable.

Your thoughts and/or experiences would be welcome please.

Jill

(sorry its such a long and thought provoking one for my first post)

[ajs]

hello and welcome
i am sorry i can't really help as i've no experience in this matter, but maybe if you, the family and your hubby all meet up to talk this will help put mum's mind at ease and hopefully your hubbies too.

i know what you mean about your hubby though as mine is exactly the same with my mindees so i can appreciate your concerns.

good luck with this and i am sure all will work out for the best in the long run

mandy x

[sarah707]

I think the most worrying aspect for me would be the potential for either of the girls to attention seek by accusing your husband of something that he has not done...

I would strongly suggest you speak with the girl's social worker about this and get his/her reassurance and support before you take the minding any further.

What a difficult decision to have to make - I think you are handling it very well and obviously looking at all the angles - I hope you can find a way of caring for these girls as you and your husband obviously have a lot to offer them.

Best of luck! :D

[Pipsqueak]

I can understand your dilemma. As everyone else has said, talk to the social worker, parents. Meet with them and see how you feel.

It might be that as your husband is that way it is an oppotunity for these children to learn to trust males again but I do appreciate your concerns, I think I would have them too.

It might be that you draw up a plan of action, whereby if your husband is in the house there is no oppourtunity for these children to be able to say they where in the same room alone, in other words you ensure that you are protecting your husband from allegations. I know that all probably sounds as if its coming across quite wrong but I don't mean it in that way.:blush:

I wish you luck with what ever you decide to do

[mrsb]

I'm afraid this time I am going to go against the others. IF these girls through no fault of their own were to get the wrong end of things and say your husband has touched them inappropriately (ie if he was to have helped them up from falling over or anything like that) then not only will it affect you as a childminder but the police will be involved, social services etc etc.
I talk fom experiance here and believe me it is not worth the risk, it will rip your whole family apart.

BUT if you know that hubby won't be around and hence nothing could be said or misconstrued (sp?) then go for it, the girls obviously need some stability and if you can give it to them good luck to you.

You have to put you and your family first though :)

Sorry if things i've said have offended or annoyed anyone but family is precious and this is something I feel very very strongly about

[cloud9]

I'm afraid this time I am going to go against the others. IF these girls through no fault of their own were to get the wrong end of things and say your husband has touched them inappropriately (ie if he was to have helped them up from falling over or anything like that) then not only will it affect you as a childminder but the police will be involved, social services etc etc.
I talk fom experiance here and believe me it is not worth the risk, it will rip your whole family apart.

BUT if you know that hubby won't be around and hence nothing could be said or misconstrued (sp?) then go for it, the girls obviously need some stability and if you can give it to them good luck to you.

You have to put you and your family first though :)

Sorry if things i've said have offended or annoyed anyone but family is precious and this is something I feel very very strongly about


I agree with mrsb although it isn't fair to discriminate against anyone for any reason in this case i would have to look at the impact this would have on my family and also my other mindees. The mindees are use to having your hubby there at times and enjoy it by the sounds of things so taking on the new girls would affect this. Not only that you shouldn't hjave to makee. sure that your husband is never alone int he room with them its not fair on anyone.

I think that these girls (bless for what they have been through dont get me wrong) they also need a very stable environment one in which everything would be treated as normal rather than things altered which may make them feel apprehensive about the situation.

[Rach30]

HMmmmm , very difficult isn't it. ALthough i do feel for the girls and their family you HAVE to our famiy first and do what is right for you , even if it seems like you are doing the girls an injustice. Although its a very harrowing tale it is not down to you to put things right. Yes the mother wnats a happy stable envirmen for the girls of course , but if the worst was to happne and an acusation was made then it would tear your world apart. Maybe your setting is not the one for here. But that said , if you feel that cn care for them and protect your family then go for it. I guess you just have to go with your gut instinct. Maybe after you and your hubby nad the girls mother have all sat down together then you might find it easier to make a desicion. Good luck what ever you do and keep us posted :thumbsup:

[son77]

I am sorry but I don't think I could do it either.

I would feel very guilty for saying no but is it really worth taking the risk.

If your husband was never around during minding hours then I would of said yes, but if it was me I don't think I'd feel comfortable and would worry whenever hubby was around.

Good luck with what you decide.

[Pudding Girl]

What an awful time the family have had :( and those poor poor girls :( just makes you so mad that things like this happen.

I have to admit feeling surprise at the fact that they are going to put the children into childcare again? One would think the last thing they would want to do is have an opportunity for such close contact with another male( not casting aspersions on your hubby!) I wouldn't place them in another childcare facility with men for all the money in the world ( yes I know women can abuse too though)

I have to say that I would have to turn it down I think, I would not be willing for my husband to feel like he couldn't be himself in his own home.

Difficult decision to make and I don't envy you, so good luck with whatever you decide.

[nokidshere]

Thank you for your replies :)

I have to say I was also surprised that they are looking for more childcare, but I suppose needs must. Mum has already been off work for over a year (since they found out) and obviously feels that its time to "get back to normal".

Having slept on it, and reading through your replies, we are both coming to the conclusion that it may well disrupt our current setting too much. We have a few more days to talk it over though and will take some professional advice also.

Many Thanks

Jill

[miffy]

I think this must be such a difficult decision for you to make.

I would only want to take it on if I could ensure that these children were never left alone with my hubby but even then I think it would be a nightmare for your family if they did make an allegation.

It sounds as though you are coming to a similar conclusion

Good luck whatever you decide

miffy xx

[angeldelight]

I think you should follow what you feel is right for you and your family

There is no right or wrong answer here

Could be that the girls would settle really well into your setting and your hubby could feel comfortable with the situation and so might the parents - or they might not and your hubby could feel uncomfortable

Lots of " ifs and buts "

So I would go with what YOU want to do

If you feel that you dont want to have these little girls then dont feel guilty

Part of me wonders why the parent cant look after the children herself
Sounds like they could do with some quality time with at least one parent before they even think of chilcare for them again

How very sad

Good luck whatever you decide

Angel xx