Anyone else rubbish at giving advice

[JCrakers]

I've been a childminder for 5yrs and in total worked with children for 18yrs and I still find it hard to give advice to parents. :blush: I feel I know A LOT about children but hate coming across that I know it all.

Ive had numerous chats with a Mum who asked for advice because her 8yr old still gets up at night and they all swap beds in the middle of the night. Her 3yr old also gets up and she gives her bananas/snacks and My advice was 'you need to get tough' but that's because I wouldn't stand for it with my children. Bedtime is for sleeping and my own two children have always slept in their own beds because I don't agree with bed swapping and being up all night.

Had a chat with another mum yesterday about her 8yr old son who is finding things hard at the moment. He'd had a falling out with two other mindees and shut himself off for half an hour and wouldn't talk to me or anyone.

He's a worrier, very timid and an only child so the argument with the others was because things weren't going his way so he stormed off. Mum tells me he's having a hard time at school and life in general.
His parents are very overprotective, very cautious with him, speak to him like he's a small child, and he also talks to them really badly and gets away with it and has quite a temper.

I just wanted to tell her that she's probably suffocating him, he's growing up but they are not allowing him to, he needs to be allowed to rough and tumble because nothings going to happen, he needs space to grow and at 8yrs old you need to allow him to but I couldn't find the correct words.

I'm really so bad at giving advice :blush:

[watgem]

I really hate giving advice because I don't want to appear condescending or patronising iyswim and because we are always told that parents know their child best and we must respect that, so I don't normally offer advice unless the parent asks. However this makes it really difficult as sometimes I have concerns, for example S and L development which I'm really nervous about mentioning to parents as they seem totally unconcerned, and I feel really torn about what to do. After having being reported to Ofsted by a parent for suggesting they talk to a HV about their child's health/behavioural problems I'm really wary of advising parents, so you are not alonexxx

[Tippy Toes]

I too am not good at giving advice. if a parent asks then I will offer advice as best I can.

I would never give advice unless asked as would feel like a know it all.

[gegele]

if it affects the child's day with me or development i do offer advice often by starting with if it was one of my i would try to...
or have you thought about trying to .... might be worth a try.... have you heard of....apparently it may help....

i don't say you should or shouldn't :blush: that's a lie... i did before! but it was because it was dangerous : I.e: LO of 2 opening front door by himself and then SURPRISE he ran out and mum ran after...!! I said he shouldn't be allowed to open front door as it was dangerous!
same with buckle of car seat.... and running away....and holding hands....

:D so a few times but I'm really close to my parents, they find comfort knowing that if i'm concerned about something i will just say it and we'll talk about it here and then. and they can approach me about anything :thumbsup:

[jumpinjen]

Advice wrapped up as 'best practice recommendations, followed up with a magazine article/flyer/website link sometimes works when other stuff wouldn't - or a book recommendation..... some parents won't see what you're telling them anyway..... you can only try......

Jen x

[rickysmiths]

I've been a childminder for 5yrs and in total worked with children for 18yrs and I still find it hard to give advice to parents. :blush: I feel I know A LOT about children but hate coming across that I know it all.

Ive had numerous chats with a Mum who asked for advice because her 8yr old still gets up at night and they all swap beds in the middle of the night. Her 3yr old also gets up and she gives her bananas/snacks and My advice was 'you need to get tough' but that's because I wouldn't stand for it with my children. Bedtime is for sleeping and my own two children have always slept in their own beds because I don't agree with bed swapping and being up all night.

Had a chat with another mum yesterday about her 8yr old son who is finding things hard at the moment. He'd had a falling out with two other mindees and shut himself off for half an hour and wouldn't talk to me or anyone.

He's a worrier, very timid and an only child so the argument with the others was because things weren't going his way so he stormed off. Mum tells me he's having a hard time at school and life in general.
His parents are very overprotective, very cautious with him, speak to him like he's a small child, and he also talks to them really badly and gets away with it and has quite a temper.

I just wanted to tell her that she's probably suffocating him, he's growing up but they are not allowing him to, he needs to be allowed to rough and tumble because nothings going to happen, he needs space to grow and at 8yrs old you need to allow him to but I couldn't find the correct words.

I'm really so bad at giving advice :blush:

Do you know you could be describing one of my minded children here and I feel exactly the same way. Only just started with me and had just potty trained but couldn't pull down own pants and trousers or pull them up and I am a great believer in teaching this from the beginning of potty training so they can be self helping and confident about being able to do it themselves but mum always does it. Arrives with dummy in mouth and clutching muslin usually over head, (this is a 3yr old) puts it straight in their drawer and never asks for it all day, not ever for sleeps and never has. As soon as mum arrives to collect it is dragged out of the drawer put in mouth and over head and off they go :eek::angry: I have tried to suggest it is all left in the car and then next step left at home but mum says they need it :eek: It drives me insane. We are supposed to help with the childs Transitions they go to school nursery in Sept so here |I am building up confidence showing them how to deal with toileting because they won't get the same level of help and attention
at Nursery and this is what mum does!

Don't start me on bed hopping and eating in the night. My two were in their own room as soon as they came home from hospital and that has been the case since. They had stopped their night feed by 5-6 months because they were on 3 meals a day by then. So they went to bed at 6.30pm and didn't generally wake or come out of their room until the next morning.

[margimum]

I sometimes feel hypocritical when parents ask for advice on bed hopping. I always shared a bed with my children. DD moved into her own bed at 7 when DS was born!!
It worked for my family, but if parent iscomplaining I will suggest controlled crying method, knowing full well I could not possibly have left my own LO's to cry!!:blush:

[loocyloo]

;) i find it amazing that i have cared for so many children who have similar traits or issues to a mindee and that i can then tell the parents how we worked to solve/reduce/improve the issues ;) :blush:

luckily, in 24 years of childcare, i HAVE dealt with lots of issues or at least have known of them! :D

[bunyip]

I've been reading Too Much, Too Soon? Whilst I don't agree with every word, it's very stimulating and thought-provoking.

In chapter 7, Sylvie Hetu says, "as an infant massage instructor, I am not allowed to give advice; I am only allowed to guide parents to find what is best for them and their babies by asking questions and reflecting."

Maybe that's what we need to do more often?

She goes on to suggest that we are expected to deliver "government policy for babies" and describes how this can leave parents feeling guilty and scared that they're doing something wrong if they don't follow evey last bit of official advice. She suggests we've almost completely lost the idea that parents might have some insight of their own. "Modern parents are often lost under the weight of too much information."

There's an insightful bit where the author's mum shows her all the government papers she kept from when she had her 56 years ago: "I was to be given meat at one week old; and formula milk was better, as it had all the correct measured quantities of this and that. Oh well. What will the government say in 50 years from now, I wonder?"

[lisa1968]

I know what you mean JCrakers....you dont want to be seen as aknow-it-all, but, then again parents must feel confident in your abilities as a childcarer or they wouldnt ask.
I never say ' If I was you.....' as thats really condesending, but I do say 'have you tried...' or 'maybe if you....'
Sometimes its handy if youve had the same problem as they know you understand and sympathise with them, and can probably advise.

I have a 4 year old mindee-D-who runs rings around his parents.Hes very controlling and wants everything his way.They cook what he wants and if he then changes his mind,then they cook something else.Its been known for them to cook 4 or 5 different meals in one sitting!
Mum came to me in tears,and it all came out! It was appalling-he even decides where THEY sit to watch TV!!!!!.She was at the end of her tether and asked me for help.I reminded her that she was the adult,so she makes the rules and decisions.Told her it would be tough for a while,there would be a lot of tantrums(prob from parents too!) but theyd get there.....
......6 months on and theres a massive difference;just tonight he asked her what was for dinner;she told him and he said he didnt want that.So she said 'youve got 2 choices-you eat it or you dont!'....'OK' he said'I'll eat it'
His latest 'thing' is going into his little brothers room(who is 20 months!) at 3 in the morning,waking him up then the pair of them going into the parents bed.WHAT????? She asked me to have a word with him as whatever they said made no difference
Me to D;- " D- if you keep getting out of your bed at night and getting your brother up then going into Mummy and Daddys room then I am going to give Mummy a stair gate to put across your door. Ok?"
D to Me:- "Oh....ok"
...hasnt done it since.....
I do have a saying-I dont argue or negotiate with anyone smaller than myself (that includes my hubby!) which Ive passed onto parents and theyve agreed with me.

[JCrakers]

There is a lot of emphasis nowadays to do it right. Parents try too hard and some of my parents give their children too much choice.
I had a word with a dad whose 2yr old didn't want to sit in a car seat so he just let her have a belt on.:rolleyes:

Why didn't he put her in her seat? Because she didn't want to sit in it :eek:
She's 2yrs old for goodness sake.

I'm quite old school and believe children should do what an adult tells them too. I give them many choices throughout the day but some choices have to be made by me.
I would love to go back to the 70s when I was a child and just live. My parents just enjoyed parenting (there was lack of money) but there was no one breathing down their necks to see if they were doing it right. I was weaned at 3 months, rode my bike without a helmet, played in the fields on my own, ate food that wasn't that good for you but families just got on with it.

[lorettacritchet]

I must admit I do find it hard to not give advice sometimes and it's never meant to come out judgemental although sometimes I am sure it does. I do try to add things like have you thought maybe it could be this etc, it's just me offering advice when chatting as a lot of parents and I chat about everything!


I've been a childminder for 5yrs and in total worked with children for 18yrs and I still find it hard to give advice to parents. :blush: I feel I know A LOT about children but hate coming across that I know it all.

Ive had numerous chats with a Mum who asked for advice because her 8yr old still gets up at night and they all swap beds in the middle of the night. Her 3yr old also gets up and she gives her bananas/snacks and My advice was 'you need to get tough' but that's because I wouldn't stand for it with my children. Bedtime is for sleeping and my own two children have always slept in their own beds because I don't agree with bed swapping and being up all night.

Had a chat with another mum yesterday about her 8yr old son who is finding things hard at the moment. He'd had a falling out with two other mindees and shut himself off for half an hour and wouldn't talk to me or anyone.

He's a worrier, very timid and an only child so the argument with the others was because things weren't going his way so he stormed off. Mum tells me he's having a hard time at school and life in general.
His parents are very overprotective, very cautious with him, speak to him like he's a small child, and he also talks to them really badly and gets away with it and has quite a temper.

I just wanted to tell her that she's probably suffocating him, he's growing up but they are not allowing him to, he needs to be allowed to rough and tumble because nothings going to happen, he needs space to grow and at 8yrs old you need to allow him to but I couldn't find the correct words.

I'm really so bad at giving advice :blush: