Bad behaviour at collection times - advice pl?

[shona_rj]

I mind a just turned 4 year old. Had him since he was 6 months old. Get on with parents well and the Mum likes to come in and find out how our day has gone when she collects. I have no problem with this but the little boy is quite naughty now in all settings (ie at school, home and with me!) and he is totally out of control when she collects. I have tried to stop it, get him ready at the door, even taken him to the car but she still gets out and of course he then undoes his seat belt and it all starts again. Today he really slapped her hard on the face after refusing to put on his shoes. I felt so sorry for her - she works so hard and no one deserves that but I don't know how to handle really? Today on instinct I just took him from her, told him he was very naughty and belted him in his seat for her - advice please?

[blue bear]

Mum needs to take charge, have you tried talking to her about her behaviour towards him? Modelling good behaviour is a good start but she also needs some advice to control his behaviour herself.
I would phone her on an evening, explain he needs to be collected from the door to help him leave on a good note so he can be praised for good behaviour. Mum can call you in the day or evening if she wants to chat about his day or maybe a diary or daily email would help? It's great she wants to chat about his day but her sons needs must come first.

[sarah707]

I would do collect from the door as well - mum needs to learn to control her child before he completely takes over the bigger he gets :(

Hugs xx

[shona_rj]

Thanks, when it starting getting worse I said I would have him ready at the door, he still played up, then I moved to taking him out to the car but I feel the mum thinks she is being rude not getting out and making him say thank you etc. Every time she collects she says don't run and he does - so I guess you are right that she needs to sort the issue - I just feel I want to help?

[Zoomie]

Maybe mom needs to be reminded about consequences. And then she needs to carry the consequence out, so she needs to think of something that will make him sit up and notice (ie no tv, or earlier bed time).

[marnieb]

It doesnt help, but this is totally natural - mindee is actually confused as he doesnt know who is in charge when both of you are around, so he acts up to see who will take control. Next time it happens YOU take control, tell the child to stop behaving like that - no nicey nicey just cos mums there!!!!!

[Bridey]

While the mindees are in my house then I'm in charge and its my rules. I deal with any bad behaviour until the mindees are out of the house.

In this situation I would also be inclined to speak to mum and invite her to do a swift collection and we can discuss his day by phone or email later.

[mindingmummy]

I had a very similar problem with a mindee, I managed to find out what I think was causing the behaviour - lack of attention.

When mum picks up, encourage her to talk to him about the day instead of you - half the time they are just bored listening to Mum and CM talking.

In my instance the Mum would allow the child to fall asleep on the way home and put straight to bed...the few minutes where she was picking up from my house were the only time during the week where the child would see her so he played up to this to get as much attention as possible.

Its worth suggesting to the Mum that this is his way of getting her attention as he hasnt seen her all day.

[QualityCare]

I also agree that the child is confused and attention seeking (for mum), if you know its mum arriving l would suggest you have him ready he can open the door to mum she greets him but doesn't come in, and asks after his day, you confirm his description and unless something he says needs clarifying immediately don't disagree or contradict him when he is telling mum about his day he's telling it from his point of view, say a swift good bye on the door step, close the door and let mum take control, go back to a diary or text system if mum wants more communication on how his day has been, or you need to clarify a few points about his day, a quiet we'll speak later or look in the book will let her know there's more to say. Don't interfere once the door is closed its her job not yours to get him in the car, l once watched a child 2yrs old undo her seat belt and climb out of the car window several times a night for a week before mum stopped laughing, smiling or ignoring her while she chatted on the phone and took total control and told her off.

[mummyof3]

I have one like this and I hand over at the door. I have his coat, shoes and bag ready and as soon as they knock on the door I hand him over. I used to let mum and dad inside but found they have NO control over this child at all and they were still here 45mins later and he was battering the other children and they were letting him :eek: If he runs off once he's left my house then that is THEIR problem not mine!

What is wrong with these parents? They are the adults they need to get a grip before they get any older! :angry:

[sillysausage]

Definitely need to get mum to be more pro-active in dealing with her son. I would advise her to get down to his level and say firmly that his behaviour is unacceptable and that she knows he has missed her, and she has missed him but she would like to be greeted with a smile and a cuddle please. Then treat him in the usual way you might deal with a tantrum or similar. As with most unwanted behaviours it is not enough to just say 'stop it', you need to give a reason why and an alternative behaviour.
Personally I don't feel that having the child ready to hand over at the door actually solves anything. It may make for a quick changeover but what does the child gain from it? He/she certainly doesn't learn to respect adults.
I would try and get the child involved in the changeover by asking him if he can tell mummy what he's done today, what has he done that made you really pleased? Remind him that you need to tell mummy what sort of a day he has had and if there are any messages from nursery etc. I would also ask mum if she would consider some sort of reward system....if he doesn't act up he can choose his pudding after tea/watch a favourite programme/ play some games etc etc (I don't really go for reward charts as they delay the reward and at 4 I feel the rewards need to still be pretty immediate)

[miffy]

Today he really slapped her hard on the face after refusing to put on his shoes. I felt so sorry for her - she works so hard and no one deserves that but I don't know how to handle really? Today on instinct I just took him from her, told him he was very naughty and belted him in his seat for her - advice please?

I think you handled that fine but mum does need to take control - that sort of behaviour from a child is awful.

Have you spoken to mum since this incident? I think you need to come up with some strategies together about how you will handle his behaviour - maybe you will have to get him ready and hand over at the door, you can email about his day later.

I also think you and mum should talk to him and set some boundaries for his behaviour. You mentioned his behavoiur was also naughty at school - how are they dealing with it?

Miffy xx

[shona_rj]

I think you handled that fine but mum does need to take control - that sort of behaviour from a child is awful.

Have you spoken to mum since this incident? I think you need to come up with some strategies together about how you will handle his behaviour - maybe you will have to get him ready and hand over at the door, you can email about his day later.

I also think you and mum should talk to him and set some boundaries for his behaviour. You mentioned his behavoiur was also naughty at school - how are they dealing with it?

Miffy xx

School are supporting the parents act of taking away a favourite toy, they keep in contact so we all know what is going on and he seems quite surprised we all know what is happening?

[shona_rj]

Many thanks for all your support. I have to say I have maintained all along his bad behaviour is all for attention-as is with most children. He is great one to one, (being an only child) he has had his father exclusively all morning, then me, mostly to himself until I get my girls - who I have to say up until recently have indulged him as older children do - and then he has his Mum to himself in the evening as Dad does a late shift. He does behave the same in all settings, and treats his cousins the same as he does my children - demanding their attention to the point of hitting. Maybe he has had just too much attention??? However, I do feel it is becoming a behavioural issue rather than just naughtiness. This evening I plan to send my girls upstairs at collection time (as he plays up to my youngest and at 7 she finds it hard to deal with), and suggest to his Mum we must stop this getting any worse and agree an action plan! Will let you know how it goes!

[shona_rj]

I think you handled that fine but mum does need to take control - that sort of behaviour from a child is awful.

Have you spoken to mum since this incident? I think you need to come up with some strategies together about how you will handle his behaviour - maybe you will have to get him ready and hand over at the door, you can email about his day later.

I also think you and mum should talk to him and set some boundaries for his behaviour. You mentioned his behavoiur was also naughty at school - how are they dealing with it?

Miffy xx

I am a great believer in reigns. I had stopped using them on him but at the end of last Summer he was so badly behaved I put them back on, because of his behaviour mostly, and said when he wears them everyone could see that he had been naughty. This seemed to work, shaming him I guess and I sent a set home in his bag for his parents to use which they did and things improved.