Do you feel like you "enjoy" your own children?

[buzzy bee]

Most days I feel like I get the end of the day and just can't wait for DS's bedtime so that I can relax!

Is this a normal feeling for a mum or is that awful?

I love my DS so much and he's the reason I'm doing this job, but I feel like, is it really worth it if I'm not really feeling like I get any quality time with him and feel so exhausted?

Does anyone else feel like this?

[Helen Dempster]

I do feel like this at times, but I give myself a talking to and make sure I give my own DS the time and attention he so deserves - after all, he puts up with so much having other kids in his home/sharing toys and me etc. The other night, when the last mindee had gone home (6.30pm) the house was an absolute tip, hubby was due home in a few mins and DS really wanted to go to the park for a 'picnic'. I was so tired, but I decided that the cleaning etc could wait and off we went. And we had the best time, just him and me sitting in the park eating ham sandwiches and jaffa cakes :blush: and I was glad I'd done that. I know it sounds like a cliche, but they're only kids for a short time, so make the most of that time.

Don't ever think you're a bad mum though! Even if you don't feel as though you're getting quality time with him, your little man will remember that mummy was always there for him :) Give yourself a break xx

[sarah707]

I felt like that regularly especially when they were younger.

I used to find that I reached a plateau in the day when I had given all I could for a while and needed some time to recharge my own batteries so i could take a breath and be ready to go through it all again!

I still would never swap being at home with them for leaving them though... so stick at it! You are making a difference :D

[buzzy bee]

Thanks, I hope you're right.

I do try and make sure that as soon as the other kids leave, that's DS's special time with me and OH and I don't do anything else (paperwork / housework etc) until he's gone to be... but we usually just sit on the sofa and watch cbeebies and then I feel guilty about that too, cos I let him watch too much tv!

[Rubybubbles]

Yes, when my own children were younger and hubby worked away for 14 months:(

But I think in any job when working long hours like we do you would feel like this, but as we are in our own homes and seeing our children they are the ones who lose out (IYSWIM) I use to always come down harder on my own children when tired, or feeling a bit stressed:( but at 10 and 7 they are great now lol! lovely helpers and if they have enough, take themselves upstairs out the way

[muffins]

Yes, I too sometimes have to force myself to do something with them after 6, 6-7 is there time although this can be with me or DH (while I have a bath:D)! Two evenings this week we have taken a walk along the pier/ sea front for an hr which has been lovely, I used to do the park but we moved over winter & now dont have a park within walking distance:(.

I think it would be the same with any job, after such a long day we're all bound to be worn out!

[md0u0131]

I feel like this a bit too, my lo is 3 and she loves having the other kids to play in the day but it is an effort to do stuff with just her when they've all gone home. I have actually started her at pre-school two afternoons a week (6hrs) just so we both get a little break from eachother!

But I am so glad to have the time with her, I went back to full time teaching when she was 9-months old and I only saw her an hour a day till I left to do childminding and that was awful :(

[TooEarlyForGin?]

I felt like that regularly especially when they were younger.

I used to find that I reached a plateau in the day when I had given all I could for a while and needed some time to recharge my own batteries so i could take a breath and be ready to go through it all again!

I still would never swap being at home with them for leaving them though... so stick at it! You are making a difference :D


I am finding this really hard at the mo - I had a chat to my daughter who is nearly 16, just a general one, where she told me that she hated that fact that other children would call me mum, hated that she never came home just to me, hated that school holidays were always about others, hated that she had to wait for me to "sort out" something before talking to her, hated that our house never felt like "ours", and also felt hard done by because child minded children were allowed to "get away" with stuff that she wasn't allowed to do. She also felt sorry for me working late into the evenings. She fully understood why I did it, and does appreciate why, I explained what it might be like if she never came home from school with me there, and during the holidays she gets to be in her own house and room. BUT I am not too sure that it really has been a good thing as I thought it would be. People say childminding is an easy option - maybe if i had gone to work, after work and weekends were 100% about my children....... but I will never know.

[rickysmiths]

I felt like that regularly especially when they were younger.

I used to find that I reached a plateau in the day when I had given all I could for a while and needed some time to recharge my own batteries so i could take a breath and be ready to go through it all again!

I still would never swap being at home with them for leaving them though... so stick at it! You are making a difference :D

Exactly the same.

And my dd, 3 yrs ago when she had finished her GCSEs said to me 'Mum I'm so glad you were at home while I was on study leave. If you had been out at work I would have prob gone out with my friends because I don't loke being at home all day on my own'. :blush:

That made 15yrs of childminding worth every minuite.

[zippy]

I must admit when my son got his letter about going to nursery it hit me that I hadn't actually had much time with him, this was partly down to quite a demanding child I minded. I decided there and then to cancel two of my contracts so I was then only working two days a week with one lo and one after school (siblings) so I could salvage what time we had left and of course getting most of the summer hold off, it wa the best thing I ever did. I have since taken on a couple of after schoolies but I still have three afternoons a week on my own with my son, until school pick up that is. He's off to school in sept so will have to juggle again no doubt. But I understand exactly where your coming from. Try and work out which bits are tipping you over is it too late a finish doing teas for everyone, is there any contracts you can drop to maybe get one day in the week off?

[buzzy bee]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's good to know it's normal to feel like this!

I do agree that I still wouldn't change it - I console myself with the fact that I have been there his whole life, even if some of that time he hasn't had me to himself or had my undivided attention.

I suppose I would be feeling exactly the same if I went out to work 3 days a week and left him with a childminder - I'd be feeling like I'd missed half his days.

It must be so hard for those of you who say your children tell you they don't like it when they get older. But I still think that when they get even older and have their own children they will realise why we did this job and be grateful to us!! Rickysmiths - that's is lovely about your DD and I felt the same way about my mum always being at home when I was that sort of age.

I am actually due to go on maternity later this year, and I'm taking a couple of months off before the baby arrives, so I will probably drive DS crazy with the amount of attention I am going to lavish on him!! He'll be glad to go to pre-school in September to get away from me :laughing:

[~Grasshopper~]

im looking for a teaching assistant job, my own children hate me childminding, there house is taken over, children snatch and break things and they never have time alone with me.

if i get a ta job they will get quality time with me rather than lots of time near me when i cant give them 100% attention cos im dealing with screaming babies, tantruming toddlers or moody older kids :( i also think i'll be happier as we will have more money for holidays and nice days out and i'll have all the school holidays off aswell.

i will only be working 9-3 term time so wont miss out on time with my 4 year old and my 26mth old adores his playgroup so he'll have fun.

just hope i can get a job. xx

[lfishwick]

I am finding this really hard at the mo - I had a chat to my daughter who is nearly 16, just a general one, where she told me that she hated that fact that other children would call me mum, hated that she never came home just to me, hated that school holidays were always about others, hated that she had to wait for me to "sort out" something before talking to her, hated that our house never felt like "ours", and also felt hard done by because child minded children were allowed to "get away" with stuff that she wasn't allowed to do. She also felt sorry for me working late into the evenings. She fully understood why I did it, and does appreciate why, I explained what it might be like if she never came home from school with me there, and during the holidays she gets to be in her own house and room. BUT I am not too sure that it really has been a good thing as I thought it would be. People say childminding is an easy option - maybe if i had gone to work, after work and weekends were 100% about my children....... but I will never know.

I am having very similar issues with my 3 teenagers- they are used to me always working outside of home and now find it very difficult- they feel their home is no longer theirs and as they don't want to be around some of the children they feel they see me very little and spend less time with me than they did when I went out to work. I actually feel the same unfortunately and can see exactly what they are saying!

[zippy]

I am having very similar issues with my 3 teenagers- they are used to me always working outside of home and now find it very difficult- they feel their home is no longer theirs and as they don't want to be around some of the children they feel they see me very little and spend less time with me than they did when I went out to work. I actually feel the same unfortunately and can see exactly what they are saying!

Have you considered deregistering upstairs a friend if mine who has older children did this and says it helped enormously

[rickysmiths]

It is so sad so many of you seem to be having problems with your children resenting you minding.


It makes me feel so blessed that mine have always viewed the other way round. They see how many hours their dad is out at work and prob realise that could be me as well.

I started when mine were 11mth and 2yrs but I only had a 16 week old 5 afternoons term time only. From reading threads on here a lot of the problems come because the cm needs or does fill all their vacancies from the beginning, I don't think I could have done that. I had the one mindee and then took on a sibbling a year later. I kinda gradually built up and so my two got used to it. They were always involved and never disappeared to their bedroom to play while the mindees were with us, in fact at that time their room was too small.

I have never allowed it to take over our home either. Everything was tied away at the end of the day and if I am on holiday more is but away. In the early days I had a couple of boxes in the living room and the rest lived in boxes in my bedroom.

I have never put loads of posters up all over the walls. My children's art work went up on the kitchen cupboard doors and when minded children did stuff theirs went up there as well. I remember my husband going mad when Ofsted said we had to display our Reg Cert. I still have no idea why we have to still do this, who is it displayed for? I have a copy in my parent info fold which every prospective parent sees and my current parents never look at my display board with it on. :laughing:

So I have never nor have my family felt that our house has been taken over.

We moved to a bigger house from a flat 8 years ago and were lucky enough to have a big extension built 2 years ago. I have a playroom but it is used as a spare room when friends come to stay and by my now teenager (17 and 19) when their friends come round as a sitting room. All the toys are in Trofast Units and on Billy Bookshelves. I still don't have posters all over the walls, just two framed child related pictures on the wall. Art work is put on the glass back door so parents can see it and then its taken home.

For the first time in 19 years since we had dd we now have the luxury of an adult only sitting room.

My two cork boards with Reg Certs etc are taken down and put away at the weekends as well.

I think doing this has retained our home. I am lucky my children have always embraced my childminding and have always loved the children and got on with them. they have always from a young age helped me in some way or another and now they both babysit for the mindees parents.

[buzzy bee]

That's lovely rickysmiths, and some good advice for not letting it take over the home!

At the moment I am also blessed that DS loves having the other children here. Although he's only 2, so that may change as he gets older and wants "space".

I think my issue is mainly with me feeling guilty that I don't spend enough quality time with him, but I know how much he loves having all his friends to play, and I feel equally guilty that when I go on maternity leave I will be taking them away from him!!

I think maybe I can't win and will just feel guilty whatever I do! :laughing:

[loocyloo]

we moved house house ( 260 miles ) just over a year ago, and i didn't work for the summer term, and just a couple of mornings over the summer holidays, and my children ( DD now 7 & DS 10 ) kept asking when i was going to have some children they could play with! i only have under 3's currently and mine love them and play with them/help them/'mother' them. i don't ask mine to help, they just do, but equally if they want to play on their own/in their rooms, that is fine.

i've been minding since DS was 18mths ( and prior to that i was a nanny ), and only had a couple of months off when DD was born, so they don't really knwo any different. i have the whole house registered, but the deal is that if DD/DS want to play in their bedrooms, they can, but they can't invite one mindee and no others, if they invite a mindee to play, then all schoolie mindees are invited ( i am a bit more flexible than that, but thats the standad rule, and keeps LOs where i can see them! )

mine appreciate the fact that by having the LO means i am there for them, and that we go out and do things ( and secretly, i think they like having the sand/water/playdough etc trhat might not be around so freely now they are older! DS spent ages earlier building a castle out of all my logs & log slices + little people !!! ) i do sometimes point out that if i didn't childmind, they wouldn't be able to do XYZ and would need to be in childcare themselves!

i do think that i don't spend time with them exclusively, but as there are 2 of them and they have different interests, it would be hard anyway! DH & i sometimes 'divide & conquer' at weekends, but usually we just potter around! i don't work mondays and so tomorrow, after school, we are going to the local theme park to do all the wet rides!!!

[rickysmiths]

That's lovely rickysmiths, and some good advice for not letting it take over the home!

At the moment I am also blessed that DS loves having the other children here. Although he's only 2, so that may change as he gets older and wants "space".

I think my issue is mainly with me feeling guilty that I don't spend enough quality time with him, but I know how much he loves having all his friends to play, and I feel equally guilty that when I go on maternity leave I will be taking them away from him!!

I think maybe I can't win and will just feel guilty whatever I do! :laughing:

I was lucky my dd went to a childminder when I went back to work and then my company played silly devils and I ended up out of work three months later and took them to Tribunal. By the time that was all sorted I was 6 weeks off having my son. With the money I got I didn't work until ds was 11mths so I don't know the Maternity leave effect!

[LauraS]

I can't speak as a childminder, only as a working parent. Before I went on maternity leave, I worked full time (and then some, at times!) and commuted and was out of the house from 7am to 7pm five days a week plus some Saturdays. My children were all in full time childcare/wrap around care. Last summer, for example, they went to a holiday club at a soft play place. Once a week they went on a trip but the rest of the time they were in a hot airless windowless industrial unit from 8am to 6pm. Term time isn't much better.

I have missed nativity plays, birthdays, bring your mum to school days, fete's, sports days and exams. Someone else had the joy seeing my girls first crawl, first steps etc. I have come to dread their illness, teacher training days and snow days because they leave me in an untenable position with work. On her first day at high school, my daughter had to get the bus there alone, a forty five minute bus journey away, because I couldn't get time off. She had never been on a bus alone before and I couldn't even walk her to the bus stop. The guilt is awful.

When I get home from work, I start the dinner. We eat about an hour later, I wash up, clean up, put the washing on for the next day etc and then it's time for the kids to go to bed. Quality time, nil. At weekends, we shop and catch up on everything we didn't get done in the week.

I know my kids will have to share me and their home, I realise this - and so do they. The best option would be something like a TA job, so I'm away only short hours whilst they are in school but I would take a big drop in pay and still have to pay for almost full time childcare for the baby, which would wipe out my earnings. The only way I can drop my earnings is to also drop the cost of childcare, which is why childminding is a possibility.

I know it's not perfect, but short of winning the lottery, it never will be. Surely childminding has to be a better option for my children than going back to my job?!

[beckyteddy]

LauraS that was exactly what I needed to hear! I've recently been debating whether to continue minding or find a job outside my home and your post includes everything I've ever feared about having a full time job.

Childminding takes up so much of my time I sometimes wonder if it's really worth it but your post has really focused my thoughts. I've never missed a 'bring your mum to school day' and I've enjoyed seeing my kids playing at home with all the fun and freedom that a home environment brings.
I'm going to focus on all those positive aspects of childminding rather than the negatives that sometimes creep into my thoughts.

[Boris]

I feel like that too. I have a DD (2) at home with me and DS (8) at school. Recently I felt like all I did was tell him off or say no to stuff when he came home from school, no you can't bring that toy downstairs, no you can't watch that on TV, no you can't eat that infront of the little ones etc etc. I had a chat with him and we made a few changes to the rooms and he has his own space a bit more now. He knows that if I didn't do this job he would be one of those children I am looking after. It is hard to find a balance sometimes though.

[candlequeen]

The thing to remember is that kids would express just the same resentment if they had five siblings of their own to contend with. There is a lot of emphasis these days of spending quality time with children and giving them individual attention, and whilst I'm not saying that is a bad thing, it is healthy for kids to learn how to adapt to group life.

Although there are times I am tired, grumpy and don't do the right thing by my own daughter, I know if I was working full time outside the home, I wouldn't be a better parent. I'm just so happy that my daughter, who is an only child, is growing into an incredibly social young girl. I was an only child for five years, and my mum was at home with me didn't mix me much with other kids, and I have no doubt this is why I have always been quite a shy person who has never been comfortable in groups.

[Kimmy050983]

I can't speak as a childminder, only as a working parent. Before I went on maternity leave, I worked full time (and then some, at times!) and commuted and was out of the house from 7am to 7pm five days a week plus some Saturdays. My children were all in full time childcare/wrap around care. Last summer, for example, they went to a holiday club at a soft play place. Once a week they went on a trip but the rest of the time they were in a hot airless windowless industrial unit from 8am to 6pm. Term time isn't much better.

I have missed nativity plays, birthdays, bring your mum to school days, fete's, sports days and exams. Someone else had the joy seeing my girls first crawl, first steps etc. I have come to dread their illness, teacher training days and snow days because they leave me in an untenable position with work. On her first day at high school, my daughter had to get the bus there alone, a forty five minute bus journey away, because I couldn't get time off. She had never been on a bus alone before and I couldn't even walk her to the bus stop. The guilt is awful.

When I get home from work, I start the dinner. We eat about an hour later, I wash up, clean up, put the washing on for the next day etc and then it's time for the kids to go to bed. Quality time, nil. At weekends, we shop and catch up on everything we didn't get done in the week.

I know my kids will have to share me and their home, I realise this - and so do they. The best option would be something like a TA job, so I'm away only short hours whilst they are in school but I would take a big drop in pay and still have to pay for almost full time childcare for the baby, which would wipe out my earnings. The only way I can drop my earnings is to also drop the cost of childcare, which is why childminding is a possibility.

I know it's not perfect, but short of winning the lottery, it never will be. Surely childminding has to be a better option for my children than going back to my job?!

This puts its so so much into perspection! Thank you.

I agree with Rickysmiths that it's much better to build up the number of children, hours and days gradually. I started minding when DS was 19 months old but only with one child (then 15 months) for 2 days and then for 3 days. This I did for 1 year!! Then those parents gave notice (thankfully!!!!i might add) and I had a baby start with me for 3 days a week (9h days) , she was 6 months at that point. Little girl is still with me and now 10 months later I have had another one starting for 2 days a week.
My little boy is very affected each time I have a new mindee starting. he is fab with the little girl but that took a good 3 months as he was getting used to a baby getting his mummys attention a lot. Now it's two 18 months old toddlers and he has to get his head around this, his routine changed and he is very very moody each time I work.. BUT I know he would be much unhappier if he'd be in childcare!!!:)
I am still only working 3 days a week which is enough for now til he goes to school. Even then I will only work 4 days maximum, so that he still gets one afternoon a week just for him. We get a food delivery each week so we are saving a LOT of time !!

[Playmate]

I first registered 19 years ago and have been back out of the house to work 3 times. Each time I hated it. A lot of the time I would come home from work tired and stressed so giving quality time to my children just didn't happen, I still wanted them in bed! Trying to juggle school holidays was a nightmare.

Getting the balance right when you are minding is not easy, but it can happen. My youngest was the worst for sharing me, but as she got older she is the most helpful and loving towards the mindees. Mine are now 20, 16 and 12 and my eldest 2 are registered assistants. Mine have learnt to appreciate that having me at home is a bonus :D

[TooEarlyForGin?]

It has been really interesting reading everyone's point of views.

It goes to show there is no "right" way to do anything, which is why I never critize anyone's choice to work or stay at home.

I feel after 10 years of doing this I have found a balance. I think around 3/4 years ago I was running around like a headless chicken, taking anything that came along and running with variations everywhere.

I am lucky enough that I am not a breadwinner so I can afford to say no more. It makes me smile though when I go to places and people will comment "what only 2/3 kids???".

I am sure my kids will appreciate it when they come to make hard decisions in the future.

[Gherkin]

I have to be honest that my two go to bed much later than they should do so that we can have a bit (and I mean a tiny bit) of quality time each day.

Some days I work really long hours and do need to force myself not to just put my two to bed when I finish work. In the summer its easier as we pretty much go to the allotment each night which my daughter loves (my son - not so much).

I do find that there are times though when I feel drained and I have to holds my hands up and say "rubbish mummy" time and send the kids to bed with their DS's so that I or my dh and I can just have some adult time (my children are notorious at the moment for hopping out of bed every 5 minutes).

I think its the same for every working parent (I have been both sides of the fence). You cannot always be perfect. I do find that because I work at home now though I see and hear gems from my children that I would have missed before and because I can do things with them after work which I wasn't able to do when I worked before due to commuting time.

My dd is 6 and ds is 7 and last night they both wanted to have the baby talk while I was watering the veg!!!! They really pick their moments. Then I was having to explain about the x & y chromesomes because they wanted to know how you get a girl and a boy all while hoeing the plot. :eek:

[md0u0131]

Since I read this the other day I have changed the way I do things. I suppose I was guilty of thinking it was switch off time when the last kids went home at 5 or 6pm and almost forgetting my own beautiful daughter.

Anyway this week I've made a real effort no matter how tired I am to spend 5/6-bedtime with just her, we've been bike riding/park/played in garden and it's been lovely. So thank you for reminding me :)